Category: Uncategorized

The Aftermath. Mexico.

I kind of left off telling my story at the point that my abusive family came into my life when my nephew committed suicide and after never contacting me even for my birthday they all of a sudden called urging me to meet them in California saying “we were family”.

After that my sister in law said to me she remembered how they treated me as a child and that she pointed it out to my brother by saying “how can they treat her a girl like that?” needless to say my brother never did anything.

Now his son committed suicide. Unfortunately for me their evil came into my life again and they started bothering me. Calling me to Hawaii to stay closer to the family and all of a sudden something happened. My PTSD kicked in in a way that it had not since I was perhaps 12. I again did not understand why I was driven to leave Hawaii my only home I ever had and even listen to THEM of all people.

All their children had problems. That is what happens when you refuse to live in truth. You pass down the very dysfunctional abuse to your children a lot of times unconsciously and sometimes consciously too.

My brother was very emotionally abusive with his family. My sister in law a woman that was taught that you stay with your husband no matter what and she did until HE left her.

He had been part of the cartels done some horrific things yet in her eyes you show your love by condoning all that horrible behavior and allowing it. Its actually aiding and abetting but to her and the way Mexican women think is “love”.

After leaving Hawaii I was never able to have a home again. At first Miriam the sister that had basically throw me out dying of eating disorders at 17 in Texas helped only monetarily. But when I had the bad luck of her husband coming on to me and of course I did nothing with but I did tell her. She got angry at ME not HIM and she told me she never wanted to talk to me again and she never did.

She knew I had no place to live and I could no longer afford living in Hawaii as when I tried to go back after moving the first time the cost of living had gone up 70%. The apt I had for 17 years at 1,200 a month was now 2,700 a month.

So I went to Florida I saw some very hard times there for 5 years. Around that time my father died and they did not tell me or gave me anything.

If there is something a person has is the right to know when your parents have died but even that they denied me. One sister did tell me. However she did not demand anything for herself either and Della my half sister kept most. Not allowing my other sisters to even know what exactly my father had left in a safety box.

My sisters used to really fight  with Della but after my father’s death they “love” her all of a sudden. Which is very strange. They really hated her when my father was alive. I did not feel either way about her. But now is as if that dysfunctional bond they had with my father is still alive by keeping a bond with his daughter who he had left the whole family for and treated everyone like compared to Della they had no worth.

He still controls them even in his death.

My depression kept getting worse and the only “sister” who still talks to me every so often told me I could stay in my mother’s ex-apt in Mexico City.

What happened with the other sisters was what had always happened they ostracized as if I was a criminal just for speaking the truth. They refused to let me even enter their home. When I did nothing to them only tell them the truth.

The same with my sister in law. How these mostly women can handle any abuse. They all have had bad marriages and put up with a lot of abuse yet they continue to care about the abusers but hates anyone who would dare to pint out the truth. Its actually bookcase of the behavior of people in dysfunctional families.

The abused bond with the abusers and defend them not the victims. This phenomenon happens  in dysfunctional families as well as in even dysfunctional govs. Like Trump and his Klan right now. Many will lose their health care and yet stand with him.

Its always easier to stand with the abusers than with the victims of the oppressed. Much easier. That goes for dysfunctional abusive families as well as in abusive Governments.

Many stood with Hitler. The weak stand with the oppressors and the strong stand with the victims willing to protect them  of defend them.

As for the people of Durango also stood with my abusive father and my “family”.

But then again Mexico is a society that breeds dysfunction. Boys raised to be Narcissists or with severe emotional problems and girls to be emotionally needy and be willing to put up with anything not to be alone. I see that still in Mexico City.

Durango is a province so even more so. Mexico is behind a good 50 or more years when it comes the knew education about child abuse and neglect, how to raise mentally emotionally healthy children.

Its imperative parents teach children how to manage their emotions. Emotions are not thoughts they are a biological reaction happening in the limbic system. A reaction to the environment. The Mexican culture is extremely invalidating they do not recognize the emotional life of a person for what it is. Hence they try to teach children to suppress it. Or they punish them for feeling their emotions.

Suppressing your emotions of children who like my father and my brother would punish children for feeling their emotions sicken children who then grow with an impaired limbic system. That kind of environment is a fertile ground for growing children who have BPD as adults.

Its “funny” how the people in Durango deem me the “bad” one or even “crazy” most people in Durango have had bad marriages, children with no father, all kinds of problems. I have kept my whole life out of drama sure I have suffered from depressions and PTSD from my family’s child abuse. But I have always manage it by a healthy life style and not getting into drama. The few friends I made have been good people and real people mostly in Hawaii. In fact only in Hawaii. In Hawaii people are very different than Mexico is a kind culture. Much much kinder than Mexicans.

So needless to say what my family did to me as a child they did it again ostracized me for nothing really for speaking the truth. About the Mexican people its their culture to be in denial and is a very traditional culture. We do not think like they do in the US so its hard for me to understand it and I see it as very backwards and very petty.







PTSD and migraines

I would have never really thought PTSD could have literally physical symptoms such as body aches and migraines. My recovery from the abuse and neglect my “family” had inflicted on me started after my nephew committed suicide. They say often something in the “family” happens. Something out of the ordinary. Most often tragic that brings about worse PTSD, memories, flashbacks. It did happen to me like so. With my PTSD symptoms worsening after the tragic event with no insurance I started my recovery as always alone…Thank to the internet I was able to join support groups that kept me informed of what was going on because is similar in all survivors. I also read about my diagnosis and informed myself very well.. So after my so called “family” ostracized me for telling only the TRUTH. I started having migraines when I thought of them sometimes so bad I would be bed ridden. The acuteness of the comes and goes. It helps to know what it is and to take it very easy when is gets very acute………..This article is short but has very good info.

However CBT did not help me and I do not agree benzos do not help. When someone has GAD with PTSD and severe insomnia and no history of addiction. Anti-anxiety meds do help if taken as prescribed and as needed. Yeah someone with  a history of addiction may wan to find an alternative. But I was prescribed a very mild tranquilizer by a good doc that I take as needed. It is helpful. But I do not have a history of drug abuse. Everyone is different. And recovery is very individual.

One of my sisters is a very sophisticated emotional terrorists, very clever and she even boasts of how she controls everyone with not even one bad word. This article is very interesting. My sister caused me to attempt suicide with her emotional abuse and 14 years of eating disorders….She always blame me then SHE caused it on her own daughter…and she still tried to say her daughter eating disorders were hereditary like trying to blame me! When I only saw my niece very few times in her whole life! Other women in my family are like that too. The “evidence” is unfortunately one nephew did hanged himself. Still is not “them”….
“Evil is not a supernatural force but a destructive psychological one” This quote is SO TRUE.

Abusers in DENIAL.

This is so true and so hard. How most of them deny it.

Abusers and Denial by Phil Creek.
Often times when an adult survivor of child abuse begins to come to terms with the wrongs done to them, they will confront their abuser in an effort to deal with the emotions and consequences that arose from the abuse. In many cases, the abuser will deny any of the abuse, even if it’s in a private conversation where both parties know full well what was done. An abuser will often call their adult child a liar or insist they have mental problems when they are confronted with the things they did to their child in younger years.

In many other cases, if the abuser acknowledges the wrongs and abuse they put their child thru, they tell the child to “get over it” or “stop living in the past” not realizing that the abuse and the consequences of the abuse they inflicted is with the
survivor every day for the rest of the survivor’s life. Indeed, many abusers will NEVER acknowledge what they did or accept being responsibility for the consequences or the ways in which the abuse they committed affected their child’s life thru adult-hood. It’s very difficult to attempt closure or be able to come to terms with the effects of abuse thru confronting an abusive parent when this is the case. Feelings of anger, frustration and resentment are often experienced by a survivor when dealing with an abuser who will not even acknowledge the wrongs and abuses they committed.

Another factor in dealing with abuser denial is that often times the abuser is respected or viewed as an “upstanding person” in the other facets of their life. The abusive parent has a further vested interest in portraying the survivor as a “problem child” making up stories with false accusations of abuse. Indeed an abusive parent will often invent stories about their child in an effort to discredit anything the adult survivor of child abuse might say to friends or other family members. This often begins early in the survivor’s life, especially if the survivor goes to another family member about the abuse. Some abusers go so far as to stage situations where they have their adult child arrested or committed in an effort to make the survivor look less credible or believable, this can be especially true with male survivors of child abuse.
Phil Creek

Very interesting blog about scripture on dysfunctional and neglectful families. Wow.



            In my family, defending me would have meant admitting what they did, so it was easier to “punish” me for rocking the boat.  Not only were they not going to protect me, they were angry at me for finally protecting myself- and my children!  Their indignation was directed at me and my family instead of the abuser himself, and we were shunned from their family, simply because I dared to stand up and say “No More.”  My courage in defending myself and my children made them look bad.  I stood against evil, they accepted and condoned evil.  Seeing me would have been a constant reminder of how disgraceful, cowardly, and corrupt they were, so better to avoid me, and then justify their betrayal by turning me into the “villain”. 

            One conclusion is that just about every member of Debbie and Kathy’s families, and certainly these five members of my family, are just morally bankrupt.  Kathy’s family is inconsiderate of her feelings and sends the message that such a family betrayal brings no consequences to the perpetrator.  Debbie’s family is condoning child sexual abuse and incest, as well as serving up a fresh batch of victims to Debbie’s perverted stepfather on a silver platter.

            As for my ex-relatives, keep in mind that their way of registering their disapproval of someone whose actions they find unacceptable is to stop speaking to that person.  They are well aware of the unspeakable evil my birth-father did to my mother, whom they all claimed to love so much, before she died, not to mention the way he treated her throughout their marriage (see “A Portrait Of Evil” in the Reprobates & Cutting Ties section of our website for just part of this story).  Yet, not only do they still speak to him, but they socialize with him regularly and even invite him and his wife, who he was dating while he was still married to my mother and flaunting in my mother’s face, for holidays.  So what does that say about them?  If they disapproved, they would have disowned my birth-father, but they continue their relationship with him; therefore, the only possible conclusion is that they condone what he has done and approve of his evil.  It is acceptable to them. Birds of a feather stick together, and they are every bit as morally corrupt as he is.

            By their silence, all of these relatives give their tacit approval to Diane’s disgraceful betrayal of Kathy, the lifelong abusiveness of my birth-father, and Debbie’s degenerate stepfather’s incestuous sexual abuse of children.  To hear them tell it, they “don’t want to take sides”, but in actuality, that is exactly what they are doing.  They are taking the abuser’s side against the victim.  They are enablers, allowing the abuser to continue harming innocent family members with no consequences. They clear the path for the abuser, literally helping him and making it possible for him to hurt or even destroy their so-called “loved ones”.

            The fact that the abuser’s presence makes the victims feel uncomfortable is not a subject for discussion.  No one is going to stop inviting him just because of a little quirk like being a rapist, treacherous, cruel, or abusive.  Everyone prefers to ignore this, because it highlights their own disloyalty and lack of honor in standing up for what is right.

            These families make every effort to make sure the abusers feel comfortable and at home. They bend over backwards to accept abusive behavior.  Treacherous, disloyal back-stabbers and sexual predators are welcomed at family gatherings, and relatives go out of their way to make them feel they are not being left out or looked down on because of their actions.  In fact, the family tries very hard not to even acknowledge or mention the abuser’s unacceptable behavior- that is, until someone finally stands up and does the right thing.  Then the family will band together like a pack of hyenas and attack the one righteous person who   had the nerve to rock the boat.






            In normal families, the abuser would be held responsible for disrupting the family and bringing shame upon it.  But in dysfunctional families, the resentment is directed at the victims, for “putting everyone else in the middle”.  Debbie revealed her childhood molestation, after much soul-searching, with all good intentions, to protect other children in the family, but her family was not comfortable with her revelation and blames her for their discomfort, rather than blaming the family rapist.

             Kathy did not need to reveal what Diane did to her- Diane herself made no attempt to hide her treachery, only to justify it with the excuse that she was keeping her new husband happy, as if his recent friendship with Kathy’s ex was an acceptable excuse to destroy a lifelong, loving, family relationship.  Yet Kathy is still paying the price in terms of strained relationships with family members who prefer to pretend everything was just as it had always been and Diane never did what she did.

            An abusive family strives to protect itself and its “good name” from the shame of betrayal, disloyalty, or abuse being revealed to others.  The family closes ranks, and victims are discouraged from revealing or discussing the truth. To make this point, the family will try everything from “helpful suggestions” on how the victim could have prevented her own abuse, or what she did to “deserve” it, to ignoring the victim’s pain, to ostracizing the victim from the family.  It is the victim, rather than the abuser, who is seen as “disloyal” to the family.

What an amazing book this is. If only all therapists were as educated and competent but Docs like her are like the 3%. Most docs do not know how to help people. The new “therapies” without the process that Judith Herman explains in her book do nothing or little and only for certain people. For some those therapies are a waste of money. Specially useless is CBT for people who suffered severe emotional neglect besides abuse.

I consulted with a lot of doctors ALL were useless except for one who was not too bad probably due to being very ethical and graduated from a top University. But even him was not able to help me much. I have helped myself a lot more through education, reading, information, self-awareness, self-monitoring, self-observation.

In this book Judith Herman says you can not recover alone. True. But bad therapy is worse, much worse than no therapy. Unless someone has the means to keep looking for a competent Doctor is very difficult. I have heard of people going through 50 doctors with no help at all. I have consulted with about 20…99% were like throwing money down the garbage.

 Trauma and Recovery Quotes

Trauma and Recovery   Trauma and Recovery by Judith Lewis Herman   3,287 ratings,  4.27  average rating, 155 reviews   buy a copy

    Trauma and Recovery Quotes       (showing 1-8 of 8)
“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom.
But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the task of early adulthood――establishing independence and intimacy――burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships.
She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.”   ―     Judith Lewis Herman,     Trauma and Recovery    
     tags:        child-abuse,        childhood-suffering,        childhood-trauma
“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure no one listens.”   ―     Judith Lewis Herman,     Trauma and Recovery    
“The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.”   ―     Judith Lewis Herman,     Trauma and Recovery    
     tags:        denial,        post-traumatic-stress,        psychotherapy,        taboo,        trauma,        truth
“Over time as most people fail the survivor’s exacting test of trustworthiness, she tends to withdraw from relationships.  The isolation of the survivor thus persists even after she is free.”   ―     Judith Lewis Herman,     Trauma and Recovery    
“Combat and rape, the public and private forms of organized social violence, are primarily experiences of adolescent and early adult life.  The United States Army enlists young men at seventeen; the average age of the Vietnam combat soldier was nineteen.  In many other countries boys are conscripted for military service while barely in their teens.  Similarly, the period of highest risk for rape is in late adolescence.  Half of all victims are aged twenty or younger at the time they are raped; three-quarters are between the ages of thirteen and twenty-six.  The period of greatest psychological vulnerability is also in reality the period of greatest traumatic exposure, for both young men and young women.  Rape and combat might thus be considered complementary social rites of initiation into the coercive violence at the foundation of adult society.  They are the paradigmatic forms of trauma for women and men.”   ―     Judith Lewis Herman,     Trauma and Recovery    
     tags:        combat,        ptsd,        rape,        trauma
“The guarantee of safety in a battering relationship can never be based upon a promise from the perpetrator, no matter how heartfelt. Rather, it must be based upon the self-protective capability of the victim. Until the victim has developed a detailed and realistic contingency plan and has demonstrated her ability to carry it out, she remains in danger of repeated abuse.”   ―     Judith Lewis Herman,     Trauma and Recovery    
“The ORDINARY RESPONSE TO ATROCITIES is to banish them from consciousness. Certain violations of the social compact are too terrible to utter aloud: this is the meaning of the word unspeakable.
Atrocities, however, refuse to be buried. Equally as powerful as the desire to deny atrocities is the conviction that denial does not work. Folk wisdom is filled with ghosts who refuse to rest in their graves until their stories are told. Murder will out. Remembering and telling the truth about terrible events are prerequisites both for the restoration of the social order and for the healing of individual victims.
The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma. People who have survived atrocities often tell their stories in a highly emotional, contradictory, and fragmented manner that undermines their credibility and thereby serves the twin imperatives of truth-telling and secrecy. When the truth is finally recognized, survivors can begin their recovery. But far too often secrecy prevails, and the story of the traumatic event surfaces not as a verbal narrative but as a symptom.
The psychological distress symptoms of traumatized people simultaneously call attention to the existence of an unspeakable secret and deflect attention from it. This is most apparent in the way traumatized people alternate between feeling numb and reliving the event. The dialectic of trauma gives rise to complicated, sometimes uncanny alterations of consciousness, which George Orwell, one of the committed truth-tellers of our century, called “doublethink,” and which mental health professionals, searching for calm, precise language, call “dissociation.” It results in protean, dramatic, and often bizarre symptoms of hysteria which Freud recognized a century ago as disguised communications about sexual abuse in childhood. . . .”   ―     Judith Lewis Herman,     Trauma and Recovery    
     tags:        abuse-unspeakable,        atrocities,        consciousness,        crime,        denial,        dissociation,        dissociative,        ghosts,        graves,        healing,        horrible,        humanity,        memory,        mind,        murder,        power,        ptsd,        rape,        recovered-memory,        recovery,        repressed-memory,        society,        survivors,        trauma,        truth,        victims,        violations,        wisdom
“Underlying the attack on psychotherapy, I believe, is a recognition of the potential power of any relationship of witnessing. The consulting room is a privileged space dedicated to memory. Within that space, survivors gain the freedom to know and tell their stories. Even the most private and confidential disclosure of past abuses increases the likelihood of eventual public disclosure. And public disclosure is something that perpetrators are determined to prevent. As in the case of more overtly political crimes, perpetrators will fight tenaciously to ensure that their abuses remain unseen, unacknowledged, and consigned to oblivion.
The dialectic of trauma is playing itself out once again. It is worth remembering that this is not the first time in history that those who have listened closely to trauma survivors have been subject to challenge. Nor will it be the last. In the past few years, many clinicians have had to learn to deal with the same tactics of harassment and intimidation that grassroots advocates for women, children and other oppressed groups have long endured. We, the bystanders, have had to look within ourselves to find some small portion of the courage that victims of violence must muster every day.
Some attacks have been downright silly; many have been quite ugly.  Though frightening, these attacks are an implicit tribute to the power of the healing relationship. They remind us that creating a protected space where survivors can speak their truth is an act of liberation. They remind us that bearing witness, even within the confines of that sanctuary, is an act of solidarity. They remind us also that moral neutrality in the conflict between victim and perpetrator is not an option. Like all other bystanders, therapists are sometimes forced to take sides. Those who stand with the victim will inevitably have to face the perpetrator’s unmasked fury. For many of us, there can be no greater honor.  p.246 – 247 Judith Lewis Herman, M.D. February, 1997”   ―     Judith Lewis Herman,     Trauma and Recovery

My family was and is a breeding soil for sickening people with sexual and emotional abuse and EXPERTS at invalidation.

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone’s feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it.
Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain– one of nature’s most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. In fact, one defintion of the so-called “borderline personality disorder” is “the normal response of a sensitive person to an invalidating environment” (2)
Psychiatrist R.D. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. He found that when one’s feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even they are perfectly mentally healthy. (Reference)
Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes “…a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.) (Reference)
Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection by implying not only that our feelings are disapproved of, but that we are fundamentally abnormal. This implies that there is something wrong with us because we aren’t like everyone else; we are strange; we are different; we are weird.
None of this feels good, and all of it damages us. The more different from the mass norm a person is, for example, more intelligent or more sensitive, the more he is likely to be invalidated. When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities.
Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity and individuality.
Telling a person she shouldn’t feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn’t be wet, grass it shouldn’t be green, or rocks they shouldn’t be hard. Each persons’s feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone’s feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, “psychological murder”, or “soul murder.” Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile. A good guideline is:

First accept the feelings, then address the behavior.


Great article.

Statutory rape is rape.

Again Andrew Vachss says it like it is with NO BS NO excuse.
No one wants to hear because society keeps excusing abuse so no one has to bother.