Archive for May, 2012


I was born the unwanted daughter of a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic woman.My grandmother had told me her and the docs and nurses were puzzled that on the day i was born i rejected my mother and seemed afraid of her not only not wanting to breast feed but not wanting to be held by her.Then at 8 years old my mother explained to me what abortions were and how she had want one from me and begged my father to let her have one but he did not.And how she tried other methods, ect.

My behaviour as an infant and toddler was typical of children with attachment disorders.Which noone in my house understood and they thought i was just a spoil brat.My mother would leave to be in a sanitarium for long periods of time leaving me with maids and my older sisters and father.They were of school age and i was left alone with maids.I have memories of abuse done by maids before age 5.I started slef-injuring at 5.

Needless to say i had pre-natal trauma and an attachement disorder, abandonment issues.But i will not concentrate much on anything my mother did or did not do as there is a huge difference between being mentally ill and being an abusive neglecful parent.My mother was mentally ill (through no fault of her own,like anyone with any other illness) but my father was/is evil.And evil is always a choice.

My family was always more ashamed of my mother’s illness than my father’s choice of conduct.My mother’s illness is sad, but understandable my father’s behaviour had no excuse.

For me the harm strangers or people not related to me has been hard.But the harm inflicted my those who were suppossed to “love and protect me” pretty much destroyed me and it that kind of “course of conduct” from my whole family what this blog is about.The harm inflicted by those who were suppossed to love and protect you is evil, by defintion of child advocates and professionals, experts.So amoral that even animlas don’t do.

Animlas protect and love their young.Worse a lot of abusive neglectful parents state they do “love” their children.So yeah evil and lies go hnad in hand.

I was born into a upper middle class family.Both my grandparents had been diplomats.On my mother’s side my grandfather a high ranking politician and surgoen.He had changed laws and term illnesses.They gave his name to a hospital and street in Baja California.My father was a successful entrepreneur.So we can’t say that my family was uneducated.

My father Walter was not a drunk of a drug addict either.In fact in the town i grew up, he was considered a pillar of the community.So what i’ve leraned is that my father was a malignant narcissist*.Some of the most toxic people in the planet.

* http://www.geftakysassembly.com/Articles/Perspectives/MalignantNarcissism.htm

Maliganant narcissists do not “see” others.They have zero empathy.They only see themselves.Their inability to self-analyze and recognize what Carl Jung terms their “shadow” makes them dangerous to those around them.And my sisters followed my father in his course of conduct and narcissism.Specially my sister Miriam.

Needless to say i grew up in a very dysfinctional family in which i became the “scapegoat child”……………………………..

My parents divorced when i was 6.And we went to live with my mother for 4 years and then me and Miriam went to live with my father.I was the youngest of all siblings.

Little is known and even understood about emotional abuse and neglect.Why is it so damaging few really understand.Because few understand our emotional life is very much like all life; biological.the limbic system is responsible for our emotional life……………………………………Emotional abuse and all abuse affects the neuroendocrine system which in turn affects brain chemistry (L-HPA axis) and the damage done to it can be as crippling as any assault on any of our other body parts.The mind is not independent from the body in its function it all works as a unit through a complex system that is interdependant.

Any abuse but emotional abuse and neglect alone disrupts its normal flow and unless treated at a very young age for life.

http://www.adlab.ucr.edu/publications/A%20neurodevelopmental%20perspective%20on%20CEA%20(in%20press).pdf

*http://healingresources.info/emotional_trauma_overview.htm

“To neuroscience emotion is not merely a collection of thoughts about a situation: it is a biological process triggered by our environment……………”

Child abuse be it physical, emotional or sexual is associated with PTSD and CPTSD which is the same thing vets get and is now very studied and is understood that it has a biological nature.So those that say that people abused as children who are adults suffering PTSD are “stuck in the past” are wrong.The past is stuck on us, our very biological nature affecting the limbic system, the neocortex and the reptilian brain.Causing havoc via the neuroendocrine system……………Its a physiological and in turn a psychological disorder cause by the truama abuse and neglect leave behind.

Granted physical abuse is horrible and very striking so is sexual abuse.But emotional abuse is just as damaging in the long run.Andrew Vachss, child advocate and writer describes emotional abuse as a systematic diminishing of another in his great article “You carry the cure in your heart”.

*http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

“Systematic diminishing of another until the child no longer has any selfworth and deemed themselves unworthy of love and protection ….”Yes that is it and that is what happened to me so on with the part of the story i want to expose and those i want to expose.Because malignant narcissists hate when the light is shone on them and they are expose for what they are.Their world has been built on appearances and they love the “appearance” of being perfect.They have created a false persona for themselves.

As i said my parents divorced and my father married an American lady when i was 6.He left my mother destitute.We were living in Mexico.Although my father is a US national and so was his wife.

After living with my mother intil i was 10, me and my sister Miriam went to live with my father and my stepmother in my father’s cattle ranch.My father was a rancher and we lived in his 2,400 acre ranch.I almost have no memory at all of even exsisting my eleven year, although i have a couple of memories of being sexually molested by my father.I appear in my 12 year with behaviour consistent with children that have been sexually abused.

It did not help that at 12 the sister that had stayed with my mother who was 5 years older than me started giving my pot to smoke and taking me with her to hippe sort of “hang outs” where everyone got naked, fucked ect.That would happen when i saw her on vacation either where my mother and her were living or when she came over to the ranch on vacation.

When she would leave her friend who were all her age or older would give me pills like madrax and qualudes, mushrooms.

So i started you can say “acting out” but the cause of my behaviour was ignored and i was labeled the “bad child”.Miriam the sister living with me who was 3 years older than me stopped talking to me and if she did was only to reprimend me and cut me down for my “acting out”.Much like they have done with my attachment disorder behaviour as a toddler.According to Miriam my father was the victim of me and so it was according to my stepmother who was very verbally cruel to me.She was creul physically to her own children.But i won’t go into their story.I only want to expose those that had the biggest impact in my destruction and the main cause of my PTSD.

As i said those who were cruel to me but are unrelated to me, such as even my stepmother are in my mind not responsible as i had a father and older sisters who should have protected me but did not.

Mirima’s words are still today very cruel claiming ” Why should i have done anything?……..” she was my sister.Siblings do owe each other loyalty and care.But actually is wasn’t a matter of ‘helping’ me.But she never had one single gesture or word of kindness for me.Not even a “hi, how are you?”.Nothing.

After struggling on my twleve year at barely 13 i ran away from home for about 3 months.I have been asked why.And perhaps only a child therapist could explain that, as i can not.But i left with the intention of disposing of everything my father had ever given me and i did.I took a small backpack and a sleeping bag that i later trade for the simple bags that the indians in south east Mexico make.The inention was to isolate myself from everyone dispose of everything and travel throughout South East Mexico.I hitchhike by myself from central Mexico to the Yucatan peninsula.Going and stopping in very rural areas such as San Jose de el pacifico and going deep into trails and places you can only get my foot.Other places and the jungles of south east Mexico and Tulum.Which then in the 70s was pretty much untouched by the turism industry.

I guess there was a bit of a quest to find a place to fit in.I had been raised by maids that where from these remote rural areas (not from the south, but still)and i thought maybe i would go live there, i related to them.I would stay in these communities helping them with their crops for a little while but would soon find out i did not belong there either.And although they were polite to me, i was not accepted as one.And the older people would be concern as to where were my parents.

I did lived in San Miguel De Allende (A sort f turist spot) where i was sexually abused many times over by American tourists that thought i wsa just a poor Mexican kid.I must say that the Mexican men did not try to sexually take their turn as much as the Americans did.Just an observation.I would tell them how old i was too, 13.

I was attacked by dogs and my behaviour looking back was strange as i walked around with my pants all bloodied and had it not been for two hippies in the mountains where i was attacked taking notice and getting hydrogen peroxide and aloevera plants for me to put on my cuts the dogs left.They may have gotten infected.

They must have been bad because i remember their faces when i seemed to not care about it and they saw them.

Somewhere in my travel i contracted Hepatits A, and intestinal infection, and anemia.Which i let run, also not caring.By this time i had gone and seen every place i had plan to see and i did not what else to do.I stayed to myself and hardly talked to anyone.I would hang out in the streets of Mexican cities like Merida and Oaxaca and just stare into space.I would sleep on the streets of Merida cause is warm.But Oaxaca is cold and at night i would go to sleep in a cardboard shack where a gang of thiefs would sleep.

The leader of them was a guy named Carlos.They would rob tourists during the day and do drugs and sniff glue at night.Eventually one of those people not Carlos did steal the only thing i had kept my sleeping bag and a swiss pocket knife.An Argentinean stole it, go figure.Mexican people where almost always kind and protective of me i must say.

Drugs where offered to me, a cult called The Children Of God tried to recruit me.But i would accept nothing.Despite my sister and her friends starting me up with pot and drugs at 12.As soon as i left my home i stopped doing drugs.I had no interest in them.

Carlos notice i was sick, very sick.And he started to urge me to go home.This small acts of kindness from even drug addicts who took the time to care always bring tears to my eyes.My family did not care about me.my sister did not talk to me.But a drug addict and thief would sit and lecture me to go home, go back to school, ect…..

I did not go back home and instead i went back deep into the mountains of San Jose De El Paicofico where the two guys that had helped me with the dogs injuries were staying.

Its worth noting that neither Carlos nor the guys who helped me with the dog bite injuries tried to have sex with me.I mean they were drug addicts, Carlos a thief too.But even them drew the line and they were not about to have sex with or molest a 13 year old.Compared to my family even thiefs and addicts have morals.I was molested by my father and my oldest brother had sex with one of my sisters when she was a minor.Which is not only incest but statutory rape.

Child advocates and professionals call statutory rape, just rape.A minor is not of an age of consent for many reasons.

There’s some people who think the age of consent is a “cultural” thing.Science is Universal.The brain of the develpoing child follows a similar pattern regardless of geography.That some countries accept a very low age of consent for its children is inhumane.

But i digress.Its hard not to because i feel like all details are superfluous to the real issues.The stories of all of us who were abused and/or neglected as children are different but our voice is one.

So those guys too started urging me to go home, go get medical atte or something.So one morning i got up at sunrise and started to walk on the trails to get to where you would get a ride from the lumber trucks through the dirt roads again that took you back to the city of Oaxaca.Where i would start hitchhiking a ride to Mexico City.About an 10 hour ride.

Well by this time i was so weak that the two and a half hour walk through the trails turned into the whole day.I was so weak that i would have to stop and lay down, i may have lost conscioucness for a little.I was so ick is hard to remember exactly.These trails are hardly walked on and the whole time noone passed by.I got to where you can get the ride at dusk and no lumber trucks passed by so i had to spend the night and wait to continue the next day.

Well the next day i did get a ride to the city of Oaxaca and i tried to hitchhike to Mexico city but got a ride with a man who attempted to rape me and i was able to excape his truck but escaping i was back in Oaxaca.By that time i was yellow from head to toe.

I sat or lay on a sidewalk.Is hard to remember.Too sick at this point.It was getting dak again, no time to start hitchhiking again.A total stranger stopped and asked me where i was from and went to get me a bus ticket and sent me to Mexico City where my mother lived.I don’t rememer his face at all.Only his words.

They say the “scapegoat child” in a dysfunctional family is the truth teller of the real state of the family.Meaning their spiritual and psychological state.Well if i was any indication of the family’s state of spiritual and psychological well being they were bankrupt.Becuse i was dying in a street sidewalk.

After blood exams the doctors told my mother i would have died in about another 5 days.I was supposed to be in bed for like 2 months with shots of antibiotoics every other day.

When i recovered and went back to my father’s ranch noone to this day asked me where i had been for 3 months.The only one that said something was my sister Miriam and she said that God was going to punish me for what i had done to my father.wow, more? At the time we were wealthy my father had means but did not to anything to find me or look for me.

I was not sent back to school.The school i had dropped off to run away.The private school i was in,The American School of Durango which my father had been not the main but one of the several founders.Neither my father or my sister talked to me at all about anything.So i decided to leave again.This time i had in mind to go on our state of Durango into the woods and down where they grow plantain and coffee, sea level and walked through trails to where it snows.All uphill from sea level to around 7,500 ft avobe it.It was like a 5- 7 day trek.

The sister that had stayed with my mother had continue to associate herself with hippies and was going to marry one.She and her husband introduced into my life one of their hippie friends.

Well i was a promiscous child due to my father molestation.Very typical of sexually abused children to be.Oprah has talked about it.But i did not formed bonds or ties to anyone and didn’t want to at all.Not sure why.But it was not my thing.

So i had slept with the hippie, my brother in law friend.And was actually done with him.He was disgusting but since i wanted to do the trek and did not want to go alone as i’m talking going so deep in the woods for like 7 days.Its easy to get lost in those trails and at night there is black bear and bob cats and well is scary to go alone.I had mentioned to him my plans for the trek and he said he wanted to do it too.

We did the trek and even two days into the trek i was sick of this disgusting man.He smoked pot all day and i would sometimes with him.While high on pot i had sex with him again.After the trek i wanted to go home.But this guy did not leave, so i went home with him.Or he came home with me.

I mean what 13 year old would think is ok to bring a 21 year old home with you? I kept telling this creep that i was not his girlfriend but he would not listen.I even cut my hair like a man and started wearing man’s clothes and telling everyone i was a man, so noone would think i was this disgusting guy’s girlfriend.In fact i started doing that right into the trek and i was able to pull it off.Some people did think i was a young man, or boy.

It made me so angry people thought that i was the disgusting guy’s girlfriend.I was noone’s woman or girlfriend.And it drove me crazy people thought that.So crazy i started self-injuring out of a frustration that is hard to describe .But the guy would not leave.

So we got to my father ranch and again there were no questions asked.Hell not even his name.My father told the ranchers to empty a warehouse they used for storing cattle food and put two bonker beds in it.

There was no running water, no toilet.That is where me and this hippie were supposed to “live”.like i said i had sex with this guy on a few occasions and only stoned and got pregnant.My father did sent me try to get an abortion but it was too late and the doc in Mexico said he would not perform abortions that late into the pregnancy.

So me and this disgusting hippie lived there in the corrals of the ranch my whole preganancy.Almost every day i would hit my belly with rocks trying to force an abortion and telling this disgusting guy to get the hell out of my ranch.I would also hit myself in desperation of him not leaving and of not wanting to be preganant.

I did not go tell my father that i wanted him gone becuase i thought it was all my fault..I had brought him there and it was up to me to get rid of him.And i was used to my father and my sister not talkimg to me.During the whole 8-9 months i was there my sister did not talked to me except for one time when her and her friend went to the corrals to have the ranchers and i helped them get horses to go horse back riding and it was her friends that talked to me not her.They were also going to go camping and her friend asked me go with them and insisted i do.

Again it was those small acts of kindness that stuck with me and always touch a cord to this day.I don’t know why they felt as being put on the spot for just a little, puzzling.My father very seldom talked to me and i was not allowed in our home.Not even to use the bathroom or get a warm shower.Not even on Christmas day.

I remember that Christmas year because other than wanting to look like a man and to be one.As it meant if i was a man, none of that would have been happening.I would not be forced and it was being forced on me through pure neglect. to be with that disgusting guy living there, pregnant.Because noone took 2 mins of their time for me.So besides just dressing like a man i was not concerned with how i looked at all.

Because its cold and the way you heated water to take a bath in buckets, you did not take one often.So on Christmas day me and the rancher went to get the milk cows like we did every day at like at around 6pm.My family was having a Christmas dinner party and there were a lot of cars parked on the main house at the ranch.

I knew the dining room had a big window and me and the rancher must have been visible to the people eating dinner while we walked through the ranch.As we passed in front of it.All of a sudden for the first time i noticed myself and i thought about what i may have appeared to the dinner guests as they saw me pass by.I noticed my clothes and i thought it look dirty.

We ate with the ranchers.Evety day was a nightmare for me, i cried, i hit myself, i screamed for this guy to leave.all of that a quater of a mile from where the rest of the family lived well.On my fourteen brith day.My father met me half way from the corrals where i was and our house (the main house at the ranch) he handed me a piece of cake and a coke and said “here you go” (tenga) and i said “thank you daddy”.It was like he was giving charity to a street child he did not know.Then he walked away back to our house and i walked back to the corrals.

I did see my older sisters and mother once in which they did see me hitting myself screaming “I do not want to be a woman!! i do not want to be a mother!! i do not want to be a wife or anyone girlfriend!!!” but my oldest sister would just stare at me.And the one that had introduced this disgusting hippie into my life would quote me the bible stating that i was going to be a mommy, and that it said in the bible that men in the head of woman so this creep was now the head of me,” God’s will”.Which would make me hit myself harder.Then her and her husband would laugh and continue their conversation like i was not there.

So would my mother and my older sister.Those words were torture to me.Like it was a fucking cult and it was being forced on me.I have no words to express the pain they caused me and i will forever hate my sister for them.I did not say NO to the cult that had tried to recruit me while on the streets of Oaxaca to end up in her hippie cult.I did not want that for myself and that was not what ’God’ wanted for me.I screamed..Even at 13 i was not her or wanted to be like her or with some disgusting hippie.She revolts me to no end to this day. I had never considered him my boyfriend and had been sick of him two days into the trek.But noone heard me.They heard my screams but did really hear me.This had happend in while in Mexico city.

So i was sent back to the corrals to finish the pregnancy.On the day my water broke my father was getting ready to go on a snow skiing vacation.He took me to an airport and sent me alone with contractions to Mexico city 2 nad ahlaf hour flight where my sister picked me up and took me the the hospital.I was still all dirty as i always was at the ranch.It was too cold to wash yourself often in the corrlas.

A baby boy was born. He was only 2 weeks premature.I looked at him crying in a incubator, i felt sorry for it.But i still did not want him.this was the son of that disgusting hippie not mine.The hippie sister still wanted me to want him.I hate her to this day for it.

He was going to be put for adoption.48 hours later he died.Not sure why, something about his lungs the nurses told me.He was taken from a freezer and shown to me dead.I felt guilty but very relieved.

After that i went back to the ranch very briefly but the jerk followed me and i knew i had to leave.When i was pregnant i thought to myself many times that if he did not leave i would.But where would i go pregnant?.But this time i could so i decided to go to Mexico City with my eldest sister.I never went into my house again picked up my things or anything.

On my own i went back to school, did a Mexican GED and got into waht i had always wanted to do, gymnastics.I got good very fast.I was gifted in several areas like most children but noone noticed or cared and nothing was fostered.

The only compliments i got were from one of the rancher who would see how hard i worked at the ranch even pregnant.

My sister who had ignored me throughout the whole time i had been living in the corrlas had been sent to go to school in Texas at Texas A&M University and she went on vacation to Mexico City.I saw her for the first time and something in my snapped.Within a few days i was at my gym where my coach made a comment about me being very young and in shape but that one day i would be a woman and have children., get married, ect.

I kicked him so hard i winded him.So i lost my trainer.I did not know what to do.My father sent me to go live with Miriam in Texas.I enrolled in high school there and in gymnastics.But soon Miriam would start with her usual emotional abuse and it caused me a severe eating disorder which promt more abuse from her.Now God was going to punish me for my eating disorders too.

I had no choice but to leave again.

I had to leave school again and doing what i had loved most, gymnastics.I was just a teen ager and did not know how to fight back against my older sister.Again they had won, within my family i had no chance.Being always punished and labeled the bad child for the problens they had caused me with their emotional abuse and neglect, father’s sexual molestation and what i had gone through with the creep that by the way they were scared of him robbing valuables from our house that he nor i would ever go into.But it was ok for me to live shacked up in the corrals with him.That is how much worth i had to my father, stepmother and sister.

My sister always on my throat for me even being sad.Like someone stabbing you and then getting angry at you for bleeding and dirtying the carpet.

How was a child not suppossed to be sad in that environment?

I moved to Austin Texas and i tried to commit suicide there.My sister knew but she told noone, tried to get me help, gave me any words of solace, nothing, as usual.And from there i moved to NYC.

NYC was hard.I had a bad back problem.I spent 4-5 years living there.Where my family hardly ever called me if at all.I would call them.But always hanged up feeling more frustrated and empty that before i rang them.

Its a miracle i never got into drugs or alcohol, despite my sister Alina’s efforts when i was twelve to make me like her and her hippie friends.Although i can see why some people do try to seek relief from the hurt.Its deep.

But i was plagued with my eating disorders and with a myrad of other probs which cause i did not understand.My probs were of severe insomnia, anxiety, depression, symptoms that have to do with PTSD.I lived a very healthy life style, but that is how serious PTSD is.A healthy life style is great but it doesn’t cure it.

In 89 i mived to Honolulu Hawaii and i started seeing a therapist who told me at the time that psychology was going through a period in time when they no longer considered your childhood relevant in therapy (which is no longer the case now).So we did not talk too much about my childhood.He said even though he was a Harvard grad with many years experience he did not think he could help much.But that i was welcome to just go and talk whenever i wanted.

So i saw him on and off for 19 years.In our conversations some of my childhood did come up and it became evident that i had been abused and ngelected “Your family victimzed you and then turned you into the bad guy” he said.He also mentioned how Miriam did not care.And that my whole family was not normal.That is not normal for a family not to care for one of their own.He also stated my siblings also had signs of trauma when i mention to him their memories are shot.They all have horrible memory.He said trauma really affects memory.

I guess they did not escape my father’s emotional abuse either.Although they do not regognize it.But that their children now have problems gives us a clue.

Those words and observations my doc made only make sense now.Back then i was very dissociated and my past was what doctor’s called “split” i did remember it like it had happened to someone else not me.I very seldom mentioned my childhood to anyone when seeking therapy for all my probs.

When my doc retired he advice me to seek help from an expert in sexual child abuse.

In 06 while i was still living in Honolulu Hawaii on Thanksgiving day my phone rang off the hook.I was puzzled as to why.my family never called me on holidays, or hardly ever at all.

My nephew had committed suicide and the urge me to go see them in Cali.I had only seen my nephew twice his whole life or maybe 3x.

I saw my “family” for the first time in years.When i went back to Hawaii i was just not the same.I was diagnosed with PTSD.

Carl Jung staes that what is not brought into concsiousness or remains in the unconscious presents in your life as fate.For those of us with PTSD this is particularly difficult.A lot of what’s in our unconscious is the truma from the past.

Coming to terms with the fact that i am too like many others an adult suffering the repercussions of a severely emotional abusive childhood and sexual abuse has not been easy.Coming to terms with the dysfunction and what some professionals call evil on my DNA family is been the hardest thing i have ever had to do.

Very hard to accept you were cheated of what could have been and should have been.All the suffering they caused you not to mention as a child, but now as an adult you are the one dealing with PTSD.

I confronted my family with all the abuse and neglect.As it happens in most abusive families they deny that anything was abuse and i was even blocked from their e.mails and never spoken to again.

As if my words, just words and words of truth were worse than what they had put me through with their abuse and unconscionable neglect. How crazy is that?

Miriam stated that she did not even remember me “I don’t remember you…” she said (she was 16-17) at the time i was living in the corrals which was the time period she was referring to.She then stated that she is a very “positive” person who doesn’t dwell on the past so she did not even read the e.mails i had sent her reminding her of what she said she had no memory of.And then she siad that my father wasn’t “that bad”, zero empathy.Maybe to her he wasn’t.

Well Under the law at least here is the US, CA, UK, AU, ect my father’s behaviour was crminal.You can not shack a 13 year old girl or boy up with an adult/stranger in a corral’s warehouse and forget she exists.With no questions asked.And molesting your daughter is against the law in every country.

Yeah a lot of malignant narcissists think themselves very “positive” they do not “dwell” on “negative” things such as the suffering or others.Or what their conduct causes others.They really mistake repression for “positive thinking” only what they repress so deeply with their “positiveness” is malignant and they project it unto those they claim to love.They scapegoat.

The few other words said were that everything that happened “I wanted it”.First of all i did everything my confused 13 year old mind could to express what i wanted.I dressed like a man.In fact my very words i screamed that were heard but not really heard.”I don’t want to be a woman!! i don’t want to be a wife! i don’t want to be a mother!! i don’t want to be anyone’s girfriend!!”.My whole life my family never heard my words.I mean my literal words.It was as if i wasn’t even there saying them.

I had also screamed and hit myself telling the guy to “get the fuck out of my ranch!!”.But he too just stared at me, stoned.

But despite of it all.Does a 13 year old knows what she/he wants? Their brains are not fully formed and that is why they need parents for to guide them.My family acted like i was suppossed to have been borm with some built in self-parenting chip.And know what to do and how to act at all times.

Like other than food and clothes and toys on Christmas i had no other needs.A backyard dog.And i was a brat for expressing in my child way that those needs were lacking.

Again my docs words make sense now “Your family victimzed you and then turned you into the bad guy”.I got stabbed and then everyone got angry at me for bleeding.

As if i was crazy also my sister Miriam said i should seek help from a peofessional.I have and they all say the same thing my doc in Hawaii said.Actually she would not like what professionals say and think about her or my family.When i told one of them that my niece also had eating disorders he said “poetic justice”.

Although personally i would have to disagree with that Doc that said “poetic justice” about my niece eating disorders.I hope there is no mystical “force” making the innocent pay for the actions of the culpable.That would not even make sense.My sister is a very invalidating person.Invalidation is very damaging.Not to mention being the child of a narcissist or extremely controlling parent.

http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

However professionals are validating and informing.Everything here is a compilation of the info professionlas, law enforcement, a friend attorney in Hawaii and reading several books, counteless articles and comparing notes with other survivors has taught me.But it really doesn’t help much.Only to understand.

My very high profile attorney friend in Honolulu said that if it all had happened here in the US the statue of limitations would not apply and i could still press charges against my father.Then he said “too bad it happened in a country that devalues that rights of woman and children”.That comment made me angry as if he had a stigma about Mexico.But maybe he’s right.

He is right that the laws in Mexico do not protect children.But loving Mexican families are very protecting of their own.This story does not happen in the loving traditional Mexican families.

After all i went through i was not even heard and what i said was denied ans not true or valid.I would say for us survivors of child abuse that is almost worse than the abuse itself.All your suffering denied, being called crazy and a lier, having the agony you went through minimized as if it did not matter, like we did not and don’t matter at all.Your humanity taken away then and in their denial now too.Very hard.Our childhood taken away and now we are empty handed too.

How do people that think themselves good do this to one of their own? well compartmentalizing is one “method” repression of the shadow (their dark side) and scapegoating is another.The ol hiding behind religion.There are many i suppopse.

Everything is explainable but explainable does NOT make it excusable.Such was the behaviour of my sisters Alina and Miriam.

My nephew committed suicide, my niece Miriam’s daughter was dying of anorexia at one point.I hardly know my nephews and nieces but i can’t say i like them.To me they display a lot of the “airs” of the Bishop family although not as bad as my father and my sister behaviour towards me.

I knew at 5 years old i was alone.I am alone now too.We survivors are left with two choices to live in hypocrisy and a lie and to do so we would have to also minimize our suffering like our families do.

We would have to be as inhumane to ourselves as they were.Or we have to akcnowlegde the truth and walk away from the evil that we encountered in our childhood in the midst of what should have been a loving, caring home.

…….Scott Peck. MD…

Children and Evil

(the child living in the midst of evil) can emotionally survive only by a massive fortification of its psyche. While….essential for survival through childhood, they distort and compromise its life as an adult….Children of evil parents enter adulthood with very significant psychiatric disturbances. To come to terms with evil in one’s parentage is perhaps the most difficult and painful psychological task a human being can be called on to face. Most fail and remain its victims. Those who succeed in developing the necessary searing vision are those who can name it. “To come to terms” means to “arrive at the name.”

The right but hardest thing to do is the second choice.Its involves giving up security of any kind.Very risky but what’s the alternative really? a lie for your troubles?.

It doesn’t matter if they all of a sudden tried to say they were sorry.How are they’re going to give you back what was rightfully yours, actually your birthright that they took from you? the right to be a child and grow up with chances, guided, protected and loved.Are they going to now live your PTSD for you? stay up nights on end? No.They are not worthy of your forgiveness, your trust, anything.They made you feel you were the worthless one, they did it with their actions or lack there of.And no words will do.They…….They are not worthy.Who treats a child like that and thinks its ok? much less their own.

Within my family i had no chance.Because i had no care.

Even without accepting that role trying to undo the messages that were inprinted in our very core being is alomost impossible.The fight to give ourselves a new self-idientity that is separated from our past is very hard.An every day battle.

Sirvivors of child abuse run the gamet between those who will recover fully and those who never will.Like vets coming back from a war there are those with treatable injuries and those who come back maimed for life and will have to adjust to life maimed.That is just the reality.A lot of survivors commit suicide even 50 years after the facts.

The history of each survivors holds the key of who and why some recover while others never will.There are a lot of success survivos stories and of horrific child abuse stories who became a success.But in almost and i have not heard of one sigle story of success where there was not someone in the life of the abused child, a grandmother, a SW, a foster parent, a teacher, someone cared and gave some of their time for them.”The child can not do it alone” states Andrew Vachss.True.

My sister Miriam has compared me to these success stories and of course i’m the weak one who is not one of them.I never had one single person helped me at all.Everyone in my family was dysfunctional and there were no social workers knocking at our door no school teachers, noone.

My sister in law does say that she used to tell my brother she could not believe the way i was treated, but neiher her nor my brother took any time to do anything about it either.I really done the best i could.She also stated “Your family has never cared if you were dead or alive, what an injustice……”.

And to my credit i never became like them.Andrew Vachss quoets something to the effect that those of us survivors who did wahtever we had to do and went to wherever life took us to not be like them are not only survivors but transcenders.And that means something different for every survivor.And its not always “pretty”.

I’m still unsure why i would take into the streets at 13 to isloate and rid myself of anything i had.”Systematic diminishing of another until the child no longer feels worthy of love and protection…….” Is what emotional abuse does.So i’m not sure if i left to survive and it was a very courageous act or it was that i no longer felt worthy of love and protection and they had convinced me i had no worth, most likely the latter.I do remember something odd.In my home i felt a lot of fear.I felt no fear on the streets.

For some reason i was very confident that ‘out there’ i could protect and defend myself of anything as naive as that was.But i could not bear another night at home…

My sister Miriam would be angry at me for even expressing my emotions such as crying when a family i lived with had a car accident and their children died.Even that bother her.I had no voice and was not allowed to express how i felt or what i thought.In fact was told “not to think!…” well that is not humanly possible.We humans are thinking creatures.She wanted me non-thinking, non-feeling and non-talking if possible.So basically non-human.

I was a feeling, thinking child.I couldn’t help it i was alive and she was killing me.

No fancy therapy makes up for having been dehumanize by uncaring parents and family.Its caring that gives a child a sense of worth.We don’t “aquire” selfworth.Selfworth is given freely to a child through care.It is a birthright.Although if you were cheated of it as a child you may have to spend the rest of your life chasing to “aquire” it.

Bruce Perry PHD states that self-love can not be built in isolation.That the cliche of “learning to love youself before you can love others ” is a myth.

I just finished reading Scott Peck’ book “People of The Lie” (The hope for healing human evil).I agree not only those who murder bodies are evil.That those who murder your soul, your spirit and you psyche are also evil, like my family.The books ends in beautiful way commenting on the’ mysterious and the mystical’.But i prefer the line of thought of child advocate Andrew Vachss who is not dwelling or trying to understand the mystical or the alchemy of love.But that has devoted his life to the pro-active fight agianst child abuse and neglect, changing laws and founding protect.org.To make sure no more children have to suffer at the hands of those who were suppossed to “love and protect them”.

Words are beautiful.But wthout action when the stakes are so high as they are when we’re talking about the lives of the innocent, words alone are void.

Some professionlas even tell survivors that to “heal” they must forgive (although only very bad ones do).This is in my opinion a question of lack of empathy on thier part.Would they forgive those who had hurt their own children? i doubt it.The natural instinct would be to want to kill those who hurted your offspring.

However when it happened to someone else is easy to think in philosophical terms.Again, lack of empathy.

I know its very hard but i think that those survivors that do not at least try to press charges, retaliate, and those who think is better to just “let it go” “let krama take care of it” are cowards and others pay for their ‘peace of mind’.Those to come pay for their inaction and passivity.I wish i could do something, fight back somehow.Get some kind of justice.For some of us is too late to do so.The laws are not in our favor.

How convenient to think to leave it up to “karma” “let God take care of it” “let go”…To think one would be doing something good by leaving everything up to some “cosmic law” to resolve.And looking at it from religious terms to leave it up to ‘God’ even Jesus didn’t do that he was pro-active, not sitting back.

That is why people like Andrew Vachss and Protect.org as so important because children can not make or change laws to protect them.Someone has to care and do it for them.

I struggle with the nightmare that is PTSD every day inspite of having very healthy life style habits.And i’ve gotten flashbacks while swimming in beautiful Hawaiian waters knowing and looking all around me at the beauty of Hawaii but feeling like i’m back “there”.

The reason i wrote this blog is because i was never heard.Even that was too much effort for them to do on my account.So i’m putting it out on the internet so that anyone can read it.The shame is theirs.My father is very well known in our town i’m sending the link to several places where he is deem an “outstanding” member of society and a devoted Christian and “God fearing man”.

I went through sexual abuse but i would have to agree with Andrew Vachss that is emotional abuse the most painful in the long run and the hardest to overcome .And all kinds of abuse has emotional abuse as its component.

I have left some things out.I was barefooted for a long time on my first travels at 13 in south east Mexico.Long enough my feet no longer felt the heat of the concrete on the highways at 90 degree weather…

But nothing, no lack of anything or threat of anykind was ever as unbearable as Miriam and my father’s emotional abuse and neglect.Like i was not even human.

Some Docs say ignoring a child is the worse kind of abuse.To deprive a child of interaction is cruel beyond words.Well in prison solitary confinement is the harshest punishment.Imagine doing it to a child that did not do anything to deserve it.

Is also extremelly cruel and abusive to not let a child feel their emotions and shame them for having them (which is what my sister and father were doing to me) instead of helping them understand them and manage them.

I heard another survivor describe emotional neglect as a blackhole.Yes, i would say a starvation of some sort also.The biggest and most painful of all lacks.Devastating to children and a big blackhole left in you as an adult if you were emotionally neglected as a child.

After all that suffering i was never even heard.That is how these evil people operate.DENIAL is their MO.And they’ll take it to their grave before they accept any wrong doing and look at themselves for who they really are, malignant narcissists.The most destructive people on the planet.What they call their “positive thinking” is lethal.Is nothing but, APATHY and indifference towards anyone but themselves, or repression and scapegoating, and lazyness and narcissism.They are actually the most negative of all people.

Its been besides painful, i would also say interesting to see what kind of bookcase answers of denial down to the very words books actually explain abusive/dysfunctional families give their victims.My sisters words were typical.

There is also a lot of misinformation and pseudo-psycholohgy that only ads insult to injury for survivors.Is very damaging…Like “leave the past behind” ….Other survivors have put it in very good words…

http://emergingfrombroken.com/standing-up-to-damaging-advice-and-overcoming-trauma-directives/

http://www.uic.edu/classes/psych/psych270/PTSD.htm

“We need to understand the past in order to reclaim the present and the future. An understanding of psychological trauma begins with rediscovery of the past.” (Judith Herman MD, expert in trauma).

Other people like scientist Carl Sagan has also said that we look to the past to understand the present.

I think we’re like countries. To understand our present state we study our history.Unfortunately just like for some countries like the ones in the middle east is going to be a long haul before they recover from the devastation that their cruel dictators left them in.

Same for a lot of us survivors of child abuse and neglect.Its going to be a long haul to attempt to recover from the davastating astate the people who were suppossed to love and protect us left us in.In some cases it will not be possible.Not in a life time.

*scapegoat child*

http://www.angriesout.com/grown19.htm

Copyright © PRBishop

*recommended reading, “The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog” Bruce Perry PHD

“Trauma and Recovery” Judith Herman MD

“People Of The Lie” Scott Peck MD

All of Andrew Vachss articles and fiction books.Criminal fiction too close to reality.

Good link (videos 4 parts) Andrew Vachss talking to Oprah about ‘forgiveness’ of child abuse: http://www.wallsofsilence.com/musicvideo.php?vid=de8bac478

DENIAL by abusers.

This is pretty much how my whole family reacted to when i confronted them with the abuse.They deny it was even abuse.Its very common and this nails it.They can not look at themselves in the mirror unless they deny it.
“Abusers regularly deny the abuse ever took place – or rationalize their abusive behaviors. Denial is an integral part of the abuser’s ability to “look at himself/herself in the mirror”.

There are many types of denial. When confronted by his victims, most abusers tend to shift blame or avoid the topic altogether.

Total Denial

1. Outright Denial

Typical retorts by the abuser: “It never happened, or it was not abuse, you are just imagining it, or you want to hurt my (the abuser’s) feelings.”

2. Alloplastic Defense

Common sentences when challenged: “It was your fault, you, or your behavior, or the circumstances, provoked me into such behavior.”

3. Altruistic Defense

Usual convoluted explanations: “I did it for you, in your best interests.”

4. Transformative Defense

Recurring themes: “What I did to you was not abuse – it was common and accepted behavior (at the time, or in the context of the prevailing culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as abuse.”

Abusers frequently have narcissistic traits. As such, they are more concerned with appearance than with substance. Dependent for Narcissistic Supply on the community – neighbors, colleagues, co-workers, bosses, friends, extended family – they cultivate an unblemished reputation for honesty, industriousness, religiosity, reliability, and conformity.” Sam Vaknin.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..Actually these were the responses to the T of the very few that even responded anything.Most of my family never did.I just never heard from them again after i confronted them with the abuse.My most emotionally abusive sister said that she did not remember me.

She errased me from existance in front of her very eyes at 16-17 and me 13-14.That is a very complex psychological phenomenon that only very qualified docs can explain.To errase a human being (much less a sister) from existance and memory.Is very complex and according to doc due to trauma.

My brother who had sex with my sister when she was 15 (in other words sexually abused my sister) called me disgusting and at the time i had been recently carjacked at gun point.Told me it was my “karma” i got carjacked.

His son commited suicide.They refused to acknowledge why.He was also the victim of the family’s dysfunction.Suicides are the hallmark of dysfunctional families.

I supposed if my nephew had been seen by a doc he would have been diagnosed with BPD.He had all the signs of BPD.He was very impulsive, self-destructive, had a lot of anger issues, interpersonal relationships problems, ect.In fact he commited suicide because his girlfriend was going to leave him.She had broken up with him.

But he was raised by my brother and although he had a very loving mother my brother like the rest of my family is extremelly emotionally abusive and invalidating.My brother and whole family epitomize an invalidating environment.Where everything is nothing.Every emotion a reason for a scolding.

I read also its always the most sensitive or intelligent child the most affected by invalidation and emotional abuse.Parents who do not teach children how to handle their emotions cripple them emotionally and psychologically.

My nephew was more loved than i was and did not go through the abuse i did.But he did suffer very traumatic experiences that his father put him/his whole family through.And severe invalidation.

Invalidation has been said to be the most lethal form of emotional abuse.This quote comes to mind.

“To neuroscience emotion is not merely a collection of thoughts about a situation: it is a biological process triggered by our environment”…Invalidation causes long term damage.Sometimes depending if there were other factors like other types of abuse and neglect and done by “family” the damage is irreparable.

When my nephew who i only saw 2x in his life died.The comments made epitomize invalidation at its worse .

Emotional abusers cheapen everything, they make everything meaningless…They dehumanize everyone.

And there you go.A suicide.A lot of people with BPD commit suicide.