Archive for February, 2012


There are so many ‘spins’ and so many different meanings and thoughts on forgiveness it can actually make someone’s head spin.
But most are just that, spins as to what “forgiveness” means from self-righteous lines of thinking which are really detrimental to psychology and can actually make it impossible for someone to recover to attaching a whole different meaning to the word forgiveness.

If we are going by the dictionary meaning of the word forgiveness: “Release from guilt” ..I again find Andrew Vachss words pretty much make the most sense.Child abuse is not forgivable.Even animals do not do it.I mean is actually an anomaly in nature.
A lot of things in life are forgivable but child abuse and neglect is not one of them.
As far as recovery and forgiveness.Nooone has to forgive to recover if they can recover.Recovery has a lot more to do with support and very qualified help than with forgiveness.

And here’s 4 videos where Andrew Vachss discusses forgiveness with Oprah.And he pretty much sums it up.


Victim Blaming.

Society likes to blame the victim.Good article.

“Ignorance is not “nice.” It’s not “good people.”…….” exactly.Ignorance is a choice and a convenient one.

There are a lot of misconceptions regarding Borderline Personality Disorder.
Judith Herman expert in trauma suggests that BPD is really a complex form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Another Doc suggests that BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) name should be changed to Dyslimbia meaning in a dyregulation of the limbic system.The limbic system is responsible for our emotional life.And studies show that the limbic system is affected in patients with BPD.

In any case i have never met anyone  diagnosed with BPD who was not abused/neglected as a child or grew up in very invalidated environments.Invalidation is very damaging.Is not allowing a person to express or feel their emotions.This has long term damage on the brain as emotions are a biological reaction triggered by our environments not thoughts.

Personally i think a lot of patients diagnosed with BPD do not report abuse because they were the victims of emotional abuse  like the silent treatments and other not so obvious emotional abuse but very damaging.The silent treatment and ignoring are one of the most cruel forms of emotional abuse.Verbal abuse that did not use cursing but that had dertrimental messages to the child…Words that sounded  ‘caring’ but were aimed to hurt, invalidate, blame, ect.So a lot of patients do not report it as abuse.

I’m sure the families of those who were emotionally covertly abused would allege that they did “nothing” to him/her.Exactly they did nothing for him/her either.A child can not live with nothing.With no interaction.

In my case my family acted like ‘what was my problem?’ i had food and clothes and toys.But i had no interaction.My sister would give me the silent treatment for no reason for months.And my faher woukd seldom talk to me.If he did it was always about things that were not personal.If i expressed anything personal about me, he would be very angry and my sister also.

A child can not live without interaction with others.Meaningful interaction.Is as important as food.

I read a lot of people have been misdiagnosed for having BPD when they had PTSD.

Personally i was diagnosed with BPD in 89.But more recent diagnosis from other doctors do not agree i have BPD .I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe clinical depression.PTSD stemming from child abuse and neglect.

I do not relate to a lot of the BPD typical behaviour.I do not have addictions although i did have a severe eating disorder in the past.I do not see things in black and white.I am not a needy person.In fact i’m the most independant person i know.I have survived alone all my life.I do not have self-destrtuctive behaviours…I mean i could go on….

But i do relate to feelings of emptyness stemming from severe emotional neglect as a child.I do relate to rage stemming from sexual and severe emotional abuse and invalidation.I do feel emotions strongly but i do not act on them.

I have stop going to doctors because i have never found a really good one.I find them to make symptoms worse.I have helped myself a lot more on my own through information.Although i have consulted with several.

I have read several books from very reputable doctors who i really agree with.These are experts that are out of most people’s reach.And frankly unless someone can get a doctor as competent as those authors.No help from incompetent “professionals” is better than their “help”.

None of the “therapies” like CBT and ACT and DBT (although DBT is close to how i have coped on my own.I did not know it had a name).

But those therapies have never helped me at all.And they are useless for a lot of people…..For the single reason that Bruce Perry PHD talks about in his book “The boy who was raised as a dog”.When he states that “fancy therapies” are less important than true human care when it comes to help children recovering from child abuse and neglect.

True human care changes the neuroendocrine system (HPA axis) back to its normalcy.Once that happens thought process (thinking) changes into a more healthy pattern.

So maybe these “therapies” help some people cope.People who have caring people around them also.But they can never take the place of true caring healthy human interaction.

But try to tell that to abusive, neglectful families in denial….

Most books written before the year 2000 are somewhat outdated.Since there has been a lot more studied and known about this disorder in recent years.”The BPD Survival Guide” is a good up to date book.

This is a good article.

The wiki description and info on CPTSD is pretty accurate.It also makes reference to Judith Herman a very well recognized expert on trauma.Another Dr who is very well recognized on the subejct of CPTSD is Peter WAlker MA.

Good article by Dr Heller



DEFINITION of the TERM: Emotional/Psychological Abuse

Emotional/Psychological abuse is referred to in the professional literature by many interchangeable terms such as: emotional abuse, covert abuse, psychological maltreatment, coercive abuse, abuse by proxy, and ambient abuse.

Psychological maltreatment is a concerted attack by an adult on a child’s development of self and social competence, a pattern of psychically destructive behavior to the child. (Garbarino, et al, 1986, as cited in Tomison & Tucci, 1997).

Psychological abuse can be defined as a repeated pattern of damaging interactions between parent(s) and child that becomes typical of the relationship… when a person conveys to a child that he or she is worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, endangered, or only of value in meeting another’s needs (Kairys & Johnson, 2002).

Emotional abuse is the systematic, patterned and chronic abuse that is used by a perpetrator to lower a victim’s sense of self, self-worth and power (Mezey, Post & Maxwell, 2002).

It [psychological/emotional abuse] is most damaging to children, who are not aware, nor have control over, the pattern of relationships surrounding them, is almost always a precursor or accompaniment to physical aggression, and is based on maintaining consistent power and control over time (Garbarino, 1994).

Prevalence of Emotional Abuse

Emotional/Psychological abuse can alone but is also always a component of physical or sexual abuse. Indeed, it is the emotional/psychological abuse component of physical and sexual abuse which is most damaging to children and leads to the long term harmful consequences of such abuse.

The United States National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect reports an overall rate of child maltreatment of 1.5 million children.
204,500 of these children are recorded for emotional abuse
212,800 of the 1.5 million children are recorded under the category of emotional neglect (Sedlak & Broadhurst, 1996)

Emotional/psychological abuse is the most common form of child abuse. According to Doyle’s Child Abuse Review which surveyed a population of 504 respondents, 29% had been emotionally abused by caregivers compared to the 9% who had been sexually abused and the 14% who had been physically abused (Doyle, 1997).

Children raised in homes where they are exposed to domestic violence between the parents but are never hit themselves experience the same emotional and behavior problems associated with verbal/emotional abuse, i.e., exposure to marital abuse is a form of emotional/psychological abuse of children.

Behaviors of Emotional/Psychological Abusers

Psychological/emotional abuse involves behavior patterns that involve one or all of the following: Rejecting, Degrading, Terrorizing, Isolating, Corrupting/Exploiting, Denying Emotional Responsiveness (Garbarino, 1994).

Examples of these behaviors includes encouraging children to develop behavior that is self-destructive, behavior that is threatening or is likely to place the child or child’s loved ones in danger, ignoring a child’s attempt to interact, interacting without emotion, and preventing a child from interacting with other children or adults outside of the home (Garbarino et al, 1986).

Name calling, threatening to kill the victim’s family or pet; controlling access to finances; isolating the victim from family and friends; coercing the victim to perform degrading, humiliating or illegal acts; interfering with job, medical or educational opportunities; or making the victim feel powerless and ashamed (Mezey, Post & Maxwell, 2002).

Perpetrators of emotional/psychological abuse often consciously employ a strategy called, “gaslighting” in which they present an alternate reality to their victims, police, therapists and judges. Gaslighting involves denying what occurred, offering plausible but untrue accounts of what occurred, or suggesting the victim is imagining things, exaggerating or lying. Gaslighting strategies leave victims doubting their own perceptions, memory or sanity and serve to confuse police, judges and therapists into inaction or worse, supporting the abuser, while leaving the victims feeling helpless and alone against the abuse (Forward, 2003; Engel, 2002, Stern, 2007).

Monopolization of perceptions is often part of the abuser’s brainwashing-like tactics whereby the abuser insists upon the children also believe what he/she says is true and that they’re perceptions, opinions or ideas are mistaken or unworthy. (Loring, 1997)

Constant criticism, demeaning behaviors, threats, use of male/parent privilege, withholding affection or threatening abandonment for non-compliance with abuser’s demands and personal humiliation are further consistent, on-going tactics of the emotional/psychological abuser (Pilowsky, 1993; Parkeer, 1996; Follingstad, 1990; Marshall, 1996; Hoffman, 1984; Alexander, 1993, Chang, 1996; Jacko, 1995; Loring, 1997).

The continuous and unrelenting patern of emotional abuse is often interspersed with warmth and kindness to create an “in and out” of bonding , “crazy making” experience for the children and spouse. (Loring, 1997).

Behavioral Symptoms of Children Victimized by Psychological/Emotional Abuse

· Research indicates that abuse/maltreatment of any type adversely affects children’s academic achievement, cognitive skills and social/psychological adjustment (Kendall-Tackett & Eckenrode, 1996; Kendall-Tackett, Meyer & Findelhor, 1993; Oddone, Genuis & Violato, 2001).

· Research finds that exposure to high levels of inter-parental conflict is harmful to children (including covert conflict such as placing the child in the middle of conflicts) resulting in higher levels of behavior problems, poorer academic achievement and higher levels of emotional distress (Amato, 2000; Amato & Resac, 1994; Pruett, et al, 2003 and Adamson & parley, 2006).

· Verbal/emotional aggression by parents is more strongly related to children’s aggression and interpersonal problems than is physical aggression (Strauss, et al, 1991)

· The most common symptomatic outcomes found with children exposed to emotional/psychological abuse are eating disorders, substance abuse, aggressive behavior, withdrawal , criminal activity, suicide and self harm (Doyle, 1997).

· Research finds that as the amount of verbal/emotional abuse by parents increases the probability of children’s behavior problems also increases including aggressive behaviors, delinquency and interpersonal conflicts.

· Fear, isolation, withdrawal, feelings of abandonment and helplessness, overly compliant/submissive behavior, self-blaming, and humiliation are common responses of children to emotional/psychological abuse (Tomison & Tucci, 1997

Characteristics of the Child Abuse Survivor

Changes in behavior at school or at home. (withdrawal, inattentiveness, or other unusual behavior)
Sleep disturbances (insomnia, bed wetting, nightmares)
Unexplained and sudden fears
Loss of appetite
Excessive anger or reckless behavior
A new reluctance to spend time with certain people
A need for more reassurance than usual
Overwhelming knowledge of sexual behavior
Isolation from friends, limited participation in social activities
Drug or alcohol use
Chronic running away
Increase in physical complaints (miscellaneous illnesses)
Inappropriate attention-getting behavior
Suicide attempts
Self inflicted physical abuse (self-mutilation)
Poor self-esteem
Problems in school (missing class, grades)

Controlling people.

Controlling people exert their control of others in many different ways.My sister caused me irreparable damage with hey abusive controlling ways.

But she also caused her own daughter almost her life due to anorexia.Still then she denied that it was her that caused her daughter’s anorexia even as Docs tried to explain to her.Because that is how people with NPD think.That they are perfect.Its everyone else never them and they will sacrifice even those they claim to “love” in order to remain in control and for narcissistic supply.For intelligent and sensitive children controlling people are poison.

Controlling people use ostracism too to hurt others and to gain more control.They do it on purpose to hurt.People who give the “silent treatment” or ostracise are the worse and most cruel  of abusers.

Here are some very good articles about it.One of the articles mentions that people that do this do it as a means to control and manipluate.And becuse is a form of bullying they can get away with.And they know it.