Very interesting blog about scripture on dysfunctional and neglectful families. Wow.
WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
In my family, defending me would have meant admitting what they did, so it was easier to “punish” me for rocking the boat. Not only were they not going to protect me, they were angry at me for finally protecting myself- and my children! Their indignation was directed at me and my family instead of the abuser himself, and we were shunned from their family, simply because I dared to stand up and say “No More.” My courage in defending myself and my children made them look bad. I stood against evil, they accepted and condoned evil. Seeing me would have been a constant reminder of how disgraceful, cowardly, and corrupt they were, so better to avoid me, and then justify their betrayal by turning me into the “villain”.
One conclusion is that just about every member of Debbie and Kathy’s families, and certainly these five members of my family, are just morally bankrupt. Kathy’s family is inconsiderate of her feelings and sends the message that such a family betrayal brings no consequences to the perpetrator. Debbie’s family is condoning child sexual abuse and incest, as well as serving up a fresh batch of victims to Debbie’s perverted stepfather on a silver platter.
As for my ex-relatives, keep in mind that their way of registering their disapproval of someone whose actions they find unacceptable is to stop speaking to that person. They are well aware of the unspeakable evil my birth-father did to my mother, whom they all claimed to love so much, before she died, not to mention the way he treated her throughout their marriage (see “A Portrait Of Evil” in the Reprobates & Cutting Ties section of our website for just part of this story). Yet, not only do they still speak to him, but they socialize with him regularly and even invite him and his wife, who he was dating while he was still married to my mother and flaunting in my mother’s face, for holidays. So what does that say about them? If they disapproved, they would have disowned my birth-father, but they continue their relationship with him; therefore, the only possible conclusion is that they condone what he has done and approve of his evil. It is acceptable to them. Birds of a feather stick together, and they are every bit as morally corrupt as he is.
By their silence, all of these relatives give their tacit approval to Diane’s disgraceful betrayal of Kathy, the lifelong abusiveness of my birth-father, and Debbie’s degenerate stepfather’s incestuous sexual abuse of children. To hear them tell it, they “don’t want to take sides”, but in actuality, that is exactly what they are doing. They are taking the abuser’s side against the victim. They are enablers, allowing the abuser to continue harming innocent family members with no consequences. They clear the path for the abuser, literally helping him and making it possible for him to hurt or even destroy their so-called “loved ones”.
The fact that the abuser’s presence makes the victims feel uncomfortable is not a subject for discussion. No one is going to stop inviting him just because of a little quirk like being a rapist, treacherous, cruel, or abusive. Everyone prefers to ignore this, because it highlights their own disloyalty and lack of honor in standing up for what is right.
These families make every effort to make sure the abusers feel comfortable and at home. They bend over backwards to accept abusive behavior. Treacherous, disloyal back-stabbers and sexual predators are welcomed at family gatherings, and relatives go out of their way to make them feel they are not being left out or looked down on because of their actions. In fact, the family tries very hard not to even acknowledge or mention the abuser’s unacceptable behavior- that is, until someone finally stands up and does the right thing. Then the family will band together like a pack of hyenas and attack the one righteous person who had the nerve to rock the boat.
BLAME THE VICTIM, NOT THE PERPETRATOR, FOR SHAMING THE FAMILY
In normal families, the abuser would be held responsible for disrupting the family and bringing shame upon it. But in dysfunctional families, the resentment is directed at the victims, for “putting everyone else in the middle”. Debbie revealed her childhood molestation, after much soul-searching, with all good intentions, to protect other children in the family, but her family was not comfortable with her revelation and blames her for their discomfort, rather than blaming the family rapist.
Kathy did not need to reveal what Diane did to her- Diane herself made no attempt to hide her treachery, only to justify it with the excuse that she was keeping her new husband happy, as if his recent friendship with Kathy’s ex was an acceptable excuse to destroy a lifelong, loving, family relationship. Yet Kathy is still paying the price in terms of strained relationships with family members who prefer to pretend everything was just as it had always been and Diane never did what she did.
An abusive family strives to protect itself and its “good name” from the shame of betrayal, disloyalty, or abuse being revealed to others. The family closes ranks, and victims are discouraged from revealing or discussing the truth. To make this point, the family will try everything from “helpful suggestions” on how the victim could have prevented her own abuse, or what she did to “deserve” it, to ignoring the victim’s pain, to ostracizing the victim from the family. It is the victim, rather than the abuser, who is seen as “disloyal” to the family. ”